Life can be strange...
Posted 4 days agoSometimes I want nothing more than to rage against the symptoms I face, other times I want to simply lay down and read. I'm getting better at controlling how my frustration manifests. I'm getting better at not allowing myself to be numb to what I'm living with. Things were chaotic for a time. I wasn't at my best then, but I work to put my best foot forward every day.
I wanted better, I am working towards better things in my life.
Some things I wish I had around me still; friends, particular family members, pets. Those that I've lost I miss fiercely. But I work to hold the memories I have of them close.
I'm going to continue to work towards better going forward. I'm going to continue being open to what life has to offer.
I wanted better, I am working towards better things in my life.
Some things I wish I had around me still; friends, particular family members, pets. Those that I've lost I miss fiercely. But I work to hold the memories I have of them close.
I'm going to continue to work towards better going forward. I'm going to continue being open to what life has to offer.
The adventure continues
Posted 6 months agoShadow is a screen name I've used for a long time. Went by Jacen for a bit. But I've come to Kernous as the official name for my sona. I'm working on connecting my characters together in some way, as well as bringing them to life through art. I'm wanting to work on my characters more and show them some love.
Kernous - my personal sona who is a dragon
Jacen - my coyote/cougar character
Sherana - my fox character
Jarret - my bat character
What I'd like to do is create a story with them. I have ideas, but sometimes things jumble.
Kernous - my personal sona who is a dragon
Jacen - my coyote/cougar character
Sherana - my fox character
Jarret - my bat character
What I'd like to do is create a story with them. I have ideas, but sometimes things jumble.
When it rains, it pours...
Posted 6 months agoYesterday we had some rain. I've been out of the house, staying at my grandmothers since my relapse because I lost power. My ceiling caved in due to the rain and I learned I need to have the roof replaced as well as the damage to the ceiling.
Any help is greatly appreciated as my MS (multiple sclerosis) has been more active than usual and I was in the hospital for a few days because of it.
https://gofund.me/9fae1062
Any help is greatly appreciated as my MS (multiple sclerosis) has been more active than usual and I was in the hospital for a few days because of it.
https://gofund.me/9fae1062
So....
Posted 10 months agoLife threw me a curve ball. This time I was a bit better prepared, just not for the specifics. I'm better able to deal with it though. Just gotta set up a meeting with my therapist. Painting a better picture going forward. Just have to set up some kind of schedule with them, gotta be sure to maintain a schedule with them after this one.
Single again, this time I feel more used.
Single again, this time I feel more used.
When the temptation is great...
Posted 11 months agoI've spent these past six years working on ridding myself of a great deal of wrath. Working through the things that I've been working through, sometimes it feels like I collected things to be angry about. When I look back, it's apparent that I did not use the support network I spent time building very effectively.
Then I moved out to live with a partner for the first time. I didn't utilize any of my time living with her well in any sense. She and I were chaotic with each other, and eventually I let myself get pushed to the edge to a point where I nearly killed myself to prove a point.
Recovery hasn't been easy. I'm still working on things that I allowed to drag me down. But I'm making progress.
I'm in a relatively new relationship, we'll soon be together for three years. I've bought a house, nothing too big or fancy just a little two bedroom.
I've opened myself up to new ideas and experiences.
Sometimes I feel like I'm behind on things. Then I ask myself, behind who? I remind myself in those moments that the only people I'm falling behind are people living lives that I have no interest in pursuing.
I can only match my progress with the person I was yesterday. And he has a lot of work to do.
I've learned that I am not for every one. I've learned that the only person I am competing with is myself. I have also learned that being different isn't a bad thing. Most of the time it's a bonus.
The biggest thing I've learned is that the only time I shouldn't hold myself accountable for actions, is when they are not my own.
Above all, when the moment calls for me to act, the only thing I need is to be able to face myself at the end of the day. I have to be proud of what I'm doing, or it's not something that I should be doing.
I've made strides towards a future that I see hope reflected in. Persistence is something that I have to have going forward, but so is patience.
I must be patient with myself when I don't meet my own expectations. I have to find it within myself to allow a few missteps here and there. So long as they're not things that are completely outside of who I am, I'm good.
At the end of the day, I'm the one who I have to make proud. I'm the one who has to live with my choices. So I'm the one who has to make sure I'm making the ones that suit my interests.
Then I moved out to live with a partner for the first time. I didn't utilize any of my time living with her well in any sense. She and I were chaotic with each other, and eventually I let myself get pushed to the edge to a point where I nearly killed myself to prove a point.
Recovery hasn't been easy. I'm still working on things that I allowed to drag me down. But I'm making progress.
I'm in a relatively new relationship, we'll soon be together for three years. I've bought a house, nothing too big or fancy just a little two bedroom.
I've opened myself up to new ideas and experiences.
Sometimes I feel like I'm behind on things. Then I ask myself, behind who? I remind myself in those moments that the only people I'm falling behind are people living lives that I have no interest in pursuing.
I can only match my progress with the person I was yesterday. And he has a lot of work to do.
I've learned that I am not for every one. I've learned that the only person I am competing with is myself. I have also learned that being different isn't a bad thing. Most of the time it's a bonus.
The biggest thing I've learned is that the only time I shouldn't hold myself accountable for actions, is when they are not my own.
Above all, when the moment calls for me to act, the only thing I need is to be able to face myself at the end of the day. I have to be proud of what I'm doing, or it's not something that I should be doing.
I've made strides towards a future that I see hope reflected in. Persistence is something that I have to have going forward, but so is patience.
I must be patient with myself when I don't meet my own expectations. I have to find it within myself to allow a few missteps here and there. So long as they're not things that are completely outside of who I am, I'm good.
At the end of the day, I'm the one who I have to make proud. I'm the one who has to live with my choices. So I'm the one who has to make sure I'm making the ones that suit my interests.
Any advice?
Posted a year agoI'm trying to reconnect with the creative part of myself, as I've been having a dreadful time trying to create anything. I haven't been able to write or draw for a couple of years and it's been bothering me quite a bit. I'll stare at a blank page or blank screen with a mind that's completely void of any inspiration.
I can get myself to stop focusing on it by focusing on other things. But it doesn't help move things along, sadly.
Sorry for the whine fest. It just eats at me sometimes.
I can get myself to stop focusing on it by focusing on other things. But it doesn't help move things along, sadly.
Sorry for the whine fest. It just eats at me sometimes.
The road ahead
Posted a year agoThe journey inward has been interesting. I've learned, above all, where I lack and where I can improve. But I've also learned my strengths are, how far I'm willing to push myself for different things. I've learned that not everyone can understand my experiences, and that not everyone should be able to.
A lot of the time, I'm reminded that life has a way of showing us who deserves to be in our story. Showing us when it's time for the people in our lives to leave our story.
I'm working on making better decisions. Especially with where I want life to go, and what kind of contents I want my story to hold.
I'm done fighting with myself about holding on to grudges and who has wronged me in the past. I'm done being bitter about all of the negative things I have, and still do on occasion, experienced.
I'm working on making and keeping my peace. I'm working on embracing the new me, even when it's hard.
Come what may, I'm ready for the future tomorrows I have ahead of me. I'm ready to experience life as I build my relationships. Stronger, healthier, more understanding.
Real and honest, those are what I seek. Those are what I strive to embody.
I've been struggling with the creation of any kind of art for a while. Sometimes my mind just blanks when I'm sitting at my computer, or at one of my notebooks/sketchbooks.
I'm coming out of a funk, I know that. It happened shortly after I drew up the head sketch of my sona.
That was a while ago. Perhaps sketching randomly will help. I've not done that in a while.
I'd like to call, or chat/text with, a particular person from the past. But in the chaos I was experiencing at the time, I hurt them.
I have my regrets. I have my doubts. Things I wish I could go back and do differently.
I've stopped looking the gift horse in the mouth. When opportunities present themselves I take advantage of my good luck in the moment.
Life continues moving onward, and I must stop dragging my feet and letting things pass me by.
I've managed to find love again. Real love, love that tries to meet me half way. Chaos isn't at the heart of things this time.
I work towards a better future. Sure I fall occasionally, but I stand back up and sort out what needs sorting.
I'm not perfect, and I don't expect it from myself or those close to me any longer.
I can only hope that the things I'm putting effort into pan out.
A lot of the time, I'm reminded that life has a way of showing us who deserves to be in our story. Showing us when it's time for the people in our lives to leave our story.
I'm working on making better decisions. Especially with where I want life to go, and what kind of contents I want my story to hold.
I'm done fighting with myself about holding on to grudges and who has wronged me in the past. I'm done being bitter about all of the negative things I have, and still do on occasion, experienced.
I'm working on making and keeping my peace. I'm working on embracing the new me, even when it's hard.
Come what may, I'm ready for the future tomorrows I have ahead of me. I'm ready to experience life as I build my relationships. Stronger, healthier, more understanding.
Real and honest, those are what I seek. Those are what I strive to embody.
I've been struggling with the creation of any kind of art for a while. Sometimes my mind just blanks when I'm sitting at my computer, or at one of my notebooks/sketchbooks.
I'm coming out of a funk, I know that. It happened shortly after I drew up the head sketch of my sona.
That was a while ago. Perhaps sketching randomly will help. I've not done that in a while.
I'd like to call, or chat/text with, a particular person from the past. But in the chaos I was experiencing at the time, I hurt them.
I have my regrets. I have my doubts. Things I wish I could go back and do differently.
I've stopped looking the gift horse in the mouth. When opportunities present themselves I take advantage of my good luck in the moment.
Life continues moving onward, and I must stop dragging my feet and letting things pass me by.
I've managed to find love again. Real love, love that tries to meet me half way. Chaos isn't at the heart of things this time.
I work towards a better future. Sure I fall occasionally, but I stand back up and sort out what needs sorting.
I'm not perfect, and I don't expect it from myself or those close to me any longer.
I can only hope that the things I'm putting effort into pan out.
Update
Posted a year agoKernous
Posted a year agoI've changed the name that I go by recently. I stopped using Shadow, it doesn't bring joy any longer. Fond memories, sure. But a lot more painful memories than joyful. I'll post a link to the new profile, if I decide to make one. I might continue with this one, but I'm not sure at this point.
New beginnings
Posted 2 years agoToday I got the keys for a place of my own. Second time moving out of my families house, first time moving into a place where it's just me. Four years living in Lawton this November. I've met someone new, I've found a small community that I'm learning and becoming a part of. I'm putting in the work needed to move forward with life after letting myself fall. I stayed down for a bit. Friends left my life. I came close to leaping off the path forever.
But I was offered a helping hand. I've climbed out of the pit I dug myself into and have taken a fresh start.
I explored the dark reaches of my mind and have brought light to the things that were making life difficult.
I had trauma that I was unwilling to deal with for too long. I faced it though. I examined how far it reached and have been working on healing the damage.
I wasn't always the best.... I've done some things that I'm not proud of. Desperation is a hell of a thing to experience. Especially when factoring in the desperation caused by unhealed childhood trauma.
I've come to a place where I feel I can do better moving forward. I'm going to try anyway.
I highly doubt that any of them will see this, but....
To those I hurt, to those I drove away in my desperate clawing for acceptance and a sense of belonging....
I truly am sorry for all I've done that harmed you, for what I did that pushed you away. My action are my responsibility. I can never un do what I did, take back my actions or words.
I'm more thoughtful now, more purposeful in my actions with the people close to me.
At some point, one has to look at what's causing them act a certain way or do harmful things. We have to be purposeful in how we live so that we can build stable relationships. If we're not purposeful our relationships will be built on shaky foundations and structures.
It's not enough to simply want good things and expect them because it's our desire. We have to be willing to put the work in and make sure we are stable.
It's not easy, not by any means. But if we're willing to do the work that's required, good things will come of it.
But I was offered a helping hand. I've climbed out of the pit I dug myself into and have taken a fresh start.
I explored the dark reaches of my mind and have brought light to the things that were making life difficult.
I had trauma that I was unwilling to deal with for too long. I faced it though. I examined how far it reached and have been working on healing the damage.
I wasn't always the best.... I've done some things that I'm not proud of. Desperation is a hell of a thing to experience. Especially when factoring in the desperation caused by unhealed childhood trauma.
I've come to a place where I feel I can do better moving forward. I'm going to try anyway.
I highly doubt that any of them will see this, but....
To those I hurt, to those I drove away in my desperate clawing for acceptance and a sense of belonging....
I truly am sorry for all I've done that harmed you, for what I did that pushed you away. My action are my responsibility. I can never un do what I did, take back my actions or words.
I'm more thoughtful now, more purposeful in my actions with the people close to me.
At some point, one has to look at what's causing them act a certain way or do harmful things. We have to be purposeful in how we live so that we can build stable relationships. If we're not purposeful our relationships will be built on shaky foundations and structures.
It's not enough to simply want good things and expect them because it's our desire. We have to be willing to put the work in and make sure we are stable.
It's not easy, not by any means. But if we're willing to do the work that's required, good things will come of it.
Live moves
Posted 3 years agoBeen a bit, have been learning to deal with and treat different things. Three treatments in for my Multiple Sclerosis and I'm happy with how functional I am able to be, I'm pushing to find out just how functional I can be. I'm on number twenty something for my schizophrenia and this one's lasted a year and a half. Clearer head so I can deal with more. Since 2018 I've moved, found a little community of individuals who I get along with fairly well, gotten out of a relationship that turned sour at some point, healed from past trauma, and met someone new.
Life moves at a decent pace, we just have to be willing to move with it. I've lost quite a bit, I've gained quite a bit. Honestly I've stopped looking to far back. Pain, trauma, that's mostly what I invited into my life. Two decades, that's the amount of time I spent running from something that was traumatic enough to destabilize my life. I faced it though, something we all have to do at some point.
I've found that if we don't face our trauma then life will place obstacles in our path until we are willing to.
Sometimes those obstacles will bring about more trauma, but those seemingly new traumatic experiences will have similar elements to the major one we are refusing to face.
In the end, it's down to us. We can face the thing that we are running from, or we can repeat the pattern until the lesson is learned.
That's my view though. When we're faced with something traumatic, there's usually something that we can learn from it.
I've learned a lot from the mistakes I've made, from the situations I've gotten myself into and out of. I've learned also that I'm not innocent in any of the negative situations I've been in. Especially the relationships I've been in.
I'm not perfect by any means, I accepted that a long time ago. I stopped demanding absolute perfection from myself later than I should have.
I'm more open now that I've put in the work to heal. Sure, some things I expect more from myself. But I no longer obsess over things that are out of my control.
I'm working on reconnecting with my creative self. I'll have ideas, but when I try to act on them and create I run into blocks. So, for now, I write or sketch out the rough idea and put it somewhere that will allow me to return to it at a later time.
Life moves at a decent pace, we just have to be willing to move with it. I've lost quite a bit, I've gained quite a bit. Honestly I've stopped looking to far back. Pain, trauma, that's mostly what I invited into my life. Two decades, that's the amount of time I spent running from something that was traumatic enough to destabilize my life. I faced it though, something we all have to do at some point.
I've found that if we don't face our trauma then life will place obstacles in our path until we are willing to.
Sometimes those obstacles will bring about more trauma, but those seemingly new traumatic experiences will have similar elements to the major one we are refusing to face.
In the end, it's down to us. We can face the thing that we are running from, or we can repeat the pattern until the lesson is learned.
That's my view though. When we're faced with something traumatic, there's usually something that we can learn from it.
I've learned a lot from the mistakes I've made, from the situations I've gotten myself into and out of. I've learned also that I'm not innocent in any of the negative situations I've been in. Especially the relationships I've been in.
I'm not perfect by any means, I accepted that a long time ago. I stopped demanding absolute perfection from myself later than I should have.
I'm more open now that I've put in the work to heal. Sure, some things I expect more from myself. But I no longer obsess over things that are out of my control.
I'm working on reconnecting with my creative self. I'll have ideas, but when I try to act on them and create I run into blocks. So, for now, I write or sketch out the rough idea and put it somewhere that will allow me to return to it at a later time.
Days go by
Posted 3 years agoSometimes life hits pretty oddly. Gotta figure a way to bounce back to some form of normal though, even if that means changing what normal is. I'm trying to get new routines started working on shifting into a new level of independence. I've found that the challenges that life has been throwing at me seem to be pushing in a particular direction. So I'm working on moving in that direction.
First it was get out of the situation that I got myself into in New Mexico, I've done the work to heal and am currently working on repairing the damage that was done. Now I'm getting that I need to move on and be more independent so that the repairs will be stronger.
Nothing's perfect, never is. But I'm moving forward with life in a way that I feel like I'm better armed for what's to come. Looking for new resources to improve my art skills. Looking for new inspiration.
Moving forward with particular plans, working on getting too where I want to be in the future. Is it part of the plans I worked on years ago? No, not even close. But I've learned that things don't always go where we want them to. I've also learned that falling down doesn't mean that that's where things end. Sometimes we have to pick ourselves up and get reoriented in order to move forward. But, that's life I guess.
At the end of each passing day I look back at where I've been. There are people that I've lost contact with, people I'd greatly like to talk to. But I know that I've made enough mistakes to cause those bridges to burn. There are things I regret allowing my obsession with making a particular kind of connection ruin. Those things remain regrets, sure. But I cannot allow my regrets to weigh me down and prevent me from living a life that I am satisfied with.
I light a candle and wish those on the other side of the bridges well. At the end of the day it is myself that I have to face, myself that I have to deal with. If I can't look in the mirror and say that I am doing the best I can with what I have, then I'll likely stop looking in the mirror because I'm afraid of what I'll see.
At the end of the day, I have only myself to deal with. My number one question is always, Did I do the best I could? If I cannot be honest with myself, then how can I be honest with anyone else?
First it was get out of the situation that I got myself into in New Mexico, I've done the work to heal and am currently working on repairing the damage that was done. Now I'm getting that I need to move on and be more independent so that the repairs will be stronger.
Nothing's perfect, never is. But I'm moving forward with life in a way that I feel like I'm better armed for what's to come. Looking for new resources to improve my art skills. Looking for new inspiration.
Moving forward with particular plans, working on getting too where I want to be in the future. Is it part of the plans I worked on years ago? No, not even close. But I've learned that things don't always go where we want them to. I've also learned that falling down doesn't mean that that's where things end. Sometimes we have to pick ourselves up and get reoriented in order to move forward. But, that's life I guess.
At the end of each passing day I look back at where I've been. There are people that I've lost contact with, people I'd greatly like to talk to. But I know that I've made enough mistakes to cause those bridges to burn. There are things I regret allowing my obsession with making a particular kind of connection ruin. Those things remain regrets, sure. But I cannot allow my regrets to weigh me down and prevent me from living a life that I am satisfied with.
I light a candle and wish those on the other side of the bridges well. At the end of the day it is myself that I have to face, myself that I have to deal with. If I can't look in the mirror and say that I am doing the best I can with what I have, then I'll likely stop looking in the mirror because I'm afraid of what I'll see.
At the end of the day, I have only myself to deal with. My number one question is always, Did I do the best I could? If I cannot be honest with myself, then how can I be honest with anyone else?
Time goes...
Posted 3 years agoWorking on my sona design more lately, reading through old story ideas and finding things I'd like to take farther, spending time figuring out the paths I'd like to take in life. So I'm woking on a few things right now. Mostly trying to get through and move farther with life. Some things are needing particular attention. So I'm working on giving attention to those things while I figure out what the future holds.
I've posted some work on my sona, things have changed with where I'm at on the design. Gotta get the full version of the software I'm using, my tablet came with a trial of it. Not mad, just a little frustrated. Going to pay the annual fee for Clip Studio Paint Pro as it's not a bad price. Started working on how I want the colors to work before the trial ended. Have a good idea of how I want them to be laid out, just have to experiment with the different combinations to see how they look.
Time goes on, and so do I.
I've posted some work on my sona, things have changed with where I'm at on the design. Gotta get the full version of the software I'm using, my tablet came with a trial of it. Not mad, just a little frustrated. Going to pay the annual fee for Clip Studio Paint Pro as it's not a bad price. Started working on how I want the colors to work before the trial ended. Have a good idea of how I want them to be laid out, just have to experiment with the different combinations to see how they look.
Time goes on, and so do I.
New tests
Posted 3 years agoSince my move a few years ago, I've been learning the new area and making new friends. Now that I have a vehicle again I'm able to go out and do things and meet people, without having to keep tabs on the person giving me a ride. I've made a few new friends and entered into a new community who share, or have similar, spiritual beliefs. It's been great experience, I've even met a new partner. He and I are building our relationship, making each other aware of where we are coming from and what our needs are. I can honestly say that I'm happier. I hardly think about my life in New Mexico, though I keep up with a few friends I made there. Don't want to cut everything off, one bad experience doesn't negate the years of experiences I've had with those I'm still connected to.
I spent the entirety of last year in recovery, still there with a few things. I've processed nearly all of what I needed to in order to move on with life. I'm having problems with writing, but that's my only complaint. I probably need to connect with a good therapist to figure out the why of that issue. I've been working on drawing more, especially since I got the new Wacom One tablet.
Working on the design of my sona myself. Mostly so that I have some sort of reference for commissions. Right now I'm working on the head so that I can get the horns and frills roughed out.
New place to live, reconnecting with myself so that I can figure myself out again, new connections. Life is becoming more positive, but it's entirely due to my not putting up with constant negativity.
No, things are not perfect. Nothing ever is, for anyone. We just have to find perfection and positivity in the small things in life.
Thank you for reading and catching up. I'm trying to be more active, I promise. I'm usually open for a good chat.
I spent the entirety of last year in recovery, still there with a few things. I've processed nearly all of what I needed to in order to move on with life. I'm having problems with writing, but that's my only complaint. I probably need to connect with a good therapist to figure out the why of that issue. I've been working on drawing more, especially since I got the new Wacom One tablet.
Working on the design of my sona myself. Mostly so that I have some sort of reference for commissions. Right now I'm working on the head so that I can get the horns and frills roughed out.
New place to live, reconnecting with myself so that I can figure myself out again, new connections. Life is becoming more positive, but it's entirely due to my not putting up with constant negativity.
No, things are not perfect. Nothing ever is, for anyone. We just have to find perfection and positivity in the small things in life.
Thank you for reading and catching up. I'm trying to be more active, I promise. I'm usually open for a good chat.
Chat with me
Posted 4 years agoI have a Telegram that I use more frequently than the KIK, I honestly deleted the KIK and forgot it.
My Telegram is @/ShadowDraegon
Come chat with me. We can discuss anything you'd like.
My Telegram is @/ShadowDraegon
Come chat with me. We can discuss anything you'd like.
Kik
Posted 6 years agoSo I downloaded and made a kik account. If you’d like to chat, let me know.
Life...
Posted 7 years agoLife goes on and I've been learning to live with MS while also reincorporating art back into my life. I've been drawing maps mostly. Using them to flex my art skills a bit so that I can do something. I experience the urge to draw frequently, but it's summoning the energy to do so that I'm having trouble with. Learning trying to live with it has been hard. It's a bit maddening.
No Subject
Posted 7 years agoSo, it's been awhile again. Sorry about that, but life has been very hectic. The biggest news is that I've been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. There's a decently high chance that I've had it for almost fifteen years, but the point is that I'm dealing with it now so it doesn't get worse. I'm also currently working on analyzing the interesting interactions that the MS effects and the effects of my Schizo-Affective, as they're very strange and very difficult to deal with.
With everything going on, I've decided to apply for disability in order to have some sort way to support myself since working a normal job is a no go these days. I'm struggling to work on art and writing too, which is increasing the affective portion of my psych condition. Life hits hard when it wants you to pay attention. Slowing down and taking care of things is what I need to do now, and the disability will help with that.
I'm thankful things got identified in time to take care of them.
Despite life going insane around me, I'm doing okay.
With everything going on, I've decided to apply for disability in order to have some sort way to support myself since working a normal job is a no go these days. I'm struggling to work on art and writing too, which is increasing the affective portion of my psych condition. Life hits hard when it wants you to pay attention. Slowing down and taking care of things is what I need to do now, and the disability will help with that.
I'm thankful things got identified in time to take care of them.
Despite life going insane around me, I'm doing okay.
Time passes
Posted 8 years agoIt's been eons since I last updated you all. I'll skip the boring stuff a get right to it. I've created a patreon so that I can have, and hopefully maintain, a proper schedule. https://www.patreon.com/GlennG become a patron if you like, you'll get to read and see more of my work that way. I'll post some things here after they've been up for a while, still figuring everything out at the moment.
New Information
Posted 8 years agoSo, I'm trying to be more social. To that end, I've created a Telegram and a Discord account. Let me know if you'd be interested in chatting and I'll message you my info. I also have Steam and PSN.
TFW..
Posted 8 years ago..you wonder if trying to be a "good person" is what's causing you have almost never ending breakdowns and cost you your ability to work and make a living.
It seems that everything I've done over the past several years to be a good person is simply rebounding and making my life worse. I had ten times the functionality that I do now when I was an asshole. I thought I had a good balance a couple of years ago, but that balance was akin to holding yourself up by a rotted rope. Perhaps I should just slip back into actually using my psychopathic traits, instead of pushing them away.
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It seems that everything I've done over the past several years to be a good person is simply rebounding and making my life worse. I had ten times the functionality that I do now when I was an asshole. I thought I had a good balance a couple of years ago, but that balance was akin to holding yourself up by a rotted rope. Perhaps I should just slip back into actually using my psychopathic traits, instead of pushing them away.
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The very...
Posted 8 years ago...thing that I relied on to help me contain my depression turned out to be a major problem. Pills; turns out that I can't take depression medicine due to it making my depressions worse. I've been without it for a couple of months now, and I feel a lot better. Now I'm just dealing with the effects of my psychosis. What fun that is.
I've been
Posted 9 years agoI've been on the low end of my major depressive disorder for a long while now. The kerfuffle last year in august with my job and with being hospitalized kicked off a chain reaction that has spit me out where I am today. I've brought people down without meaning to. I've alienated friends by talking about things that made them uncomfortable. Through it all I've only caused myself to go deeper and deeper into depression.
I'm trying to climb out of the pit I've been in. Medications either do very little, or do not work at all. It's very difficult to talk to anyone without talking about what i'm going through. Doing that isn't something that helps me. I've never found it helpful to endlessly complain about things. Talking about it in small doses and working on it, fine. That I've done. But I haven't been working on things lately. I've basically been wallowing in the depressive muck and not trying to clean it off.
The only thing I can do is try to do better. I'm looking for new ways of meditating, or new techniques for keeping focused, or boosting creativity.
I'm trying to climb out of the pit I've been in. Medications either do very little, or do not work at all. It's very difficult to talk to anyone without talking about what i'm going through. Doing that isn't something that helps me. I've never found it helpful to endlessly complain about things. Talking about it in small doses and working on it, fine. That I've done. But I haven't been working on things lately. I've basically been wallowing in the depressive muck and not trying to clean it off.
The only thing I can do is try to do better. I'm looking for new ways of meditating, or new techniques for keeping focused, or boosting creativity.
A taste of me
Posted 9 years agoI've watched friends come and go. Some I've drifted apart from, others have left, and the rest I refused to allow our friendship to continue. I'm glad for the friends I have, and those who are yet to come.
Some days it feels like the world turned against me when I decided to try and be kinder. When I try to use kindness to deal with people I feel my depression, my psychosis, my pain, getting worse. When I act like the monster that I've been trying to leave behind, I feel my energy renew. I feel my mind clear, my sanity return just a little. It's like I'm being punished for trying to be a "good" person. When I think of who I used to be, I notice that I attracted people when I was a terror. People listened and took me seriously.
Life took a strange turn when I decided to try to try having a relationship that meant something. I started to degenerate mentally. I've never been sane, but when I tried to be a better person my mind shattered.
It's strange what you notice when you're reflecting.
Some days it feels like the world turned against me when I decided to try and be kinder. When I try to use kindness to deal with people I feel my depression, my psychosis, my pain, getting worse. When I act like the monster that I've been trying to leave behind, I feel my energy renew. I feel my mind clear, my sanity return just a little. It's like I'm being punished for trying to be a "good" person. When I think of who I used to be, I notice that I attracted people when I was a terror. People listened and took me seriously.
Life took a strange turn when I decided to try to try having a relationship that meant something. I started to degenerate mentally. I've never been sane, but when I tried to be a better person my mind shattered.
It's strange what you notice when you're reflecting.
meh
Posted 9 years agoSometimes it's not worth getting out of bed when all I hear is someone who's supposed to love me yells at me and says that I'm literally driving them insane. All because I can barely keep myself awake when I'm being hit by depression and hallucinations.